THE INTERVIEW

Today marks the tenth anniversary of my job.Am celebrating 10 years at my tarmaking job-job of finding a job.Happy anniversary Gilbert Kaisha.Congratulations!But its sad i have to quit this job today.The job interview i attended today ,made me retire for good!The interviewing panel denied me ,the best worker the job.

I have always dreamt of changing the world using my education.I have always seen myself leaving a mark in this world as an evidence of existance just like the likes of  Carlos Slim,Nelson Madiba,Wangari Maathai ,just to name a few.I  have always dreamt of helping the society to solve both current and emerging challanges-climate change,global warming,poverty eradification among other issues.We are living in a society where problems are taking centre stage due human activities such as industrialization.Poverty has engulfed most parts of our nation.Look at life in Turkana or Dadaab.There is only hunger and deaths.Is there anything to smile about?My heart always yearns to  help eliavate such problems.It has huge quest for change.But how can i help when am just a useless but educated taxpayer who survives on a dollar per day.Will i ever help considering the fact that am now retiring?I have always wanted to be the game changer.A newsheadliner for possitivity and less negativity.I don’t have time to print on my t-shirts “wachaneni na prezzo wetu”,to be in news.I had dreams which also happenned to be the dreams of my father,who always dreamt of making the world a better place.The  dreams i had 9 years ago made me win the heart of my Bukusu darling Naliaka ,who left me two years ago because of my endless dreams.If my dreams could have come true,Naliaka could  be driving a Porsche from work daily.Everyday she could be emanating from a multi-million bungalow with our beutiful kids having the best life ever.Anyway she still got that life by falling for a rich grandfather.She prefferred kulia kwa range rover ,nikabaki nacheka kwa boda boda yenye sina hata.

The panel harrassing job seeker

Today i attended a job interview that killed all my hopes of changing the world.I  wore my sunday best black Kenyan suit(not Italian).Apart from that suit,i can also boast of owning a well cleaned bed-sitter just suitable for my skeleton to emanate from.For ten minutes,Bill Gates (campus dropout) is able to make millions but for ten years,am bragging to own a bed-sitter pimped with a silly home theatre.Anyway we are both worth something.We are both equally and wonderfully made by God in his own image and likeness.I also know that Blessed are the poor in spirit,for the kingdom of the Lord belongs to them.Can someone shout Amen?Thats why i always thank God to be alive.Am fine.Afterall whenever the docter asks me each time i visit hospital “how are you?” I answer “Am fine”.But in my heart,i always scream,”If i was fine i wouldn’t be here dammit!”.Usually my hand clutching to my abdomen the way a screw driver holds a screw,facing the ground,with wrinkles on my face.Wrinkles of a 34-year-old dude.Not that i am saying am very old but obviously i have seem three regimes in Kenya and a number in USA even if i haven’t lived there.Wait a minute in Zimbabwe i have only seen one regime so am not making any sence there to justify my age.My age story will be boring so lets end it there.In short i am a jobless man.Where was i?Oh okay,i was ready for the interview,waiting at the waiting room.Before i left my bed-sitter,my mirror had reflected my image.A handsome young man,nicely dressed (suit) with well polished shoes.The head was voop-shaved to camouflage my bald head.I told you am old,trust me now?good!Long ago i used to console myself by telling my pals who used to tease me for being baldy that baldness is a sign of wealth.Right now i dont wanna meet any of them!

The waiting room was a corridor adjacent to the conference hall with a big mettallic door in which interviews were to take place.The room was portioned off with a glass screen and a sliding door.The glass had patterns on it such that the people on the inside and those on the outside could see figures on either side without making out faces.It was furnished quite tastefully with grey setees and a glass-top table in the room’s centre,topped with newspapers and the company’s profile pamplets.Each one of us had just been herded into the room from the reception.We mumbled greetings to the people who were next to us in the line in an attempt to look comfortable in the room.I took the seat nearest to the entrace just incase i needed to dash out,and it also helped me not to see all the people who wanted the job.The profile pamplets are first to be picked up and just like hot,meaty bites at a cocktail party,they go fast.One must know everything they can about the company i guess.I pick one from the last two and begin to leaf through.
My reading is interupted when a short,old man in an oversized coat sweeps into the room.He says in a firm and loud voice “Good morning everyone.How are you today?”.We all mumble unintelligable things some of us startled out of our private worlds by his commanding presence.He goes ahead and shakes some hands,sprinkling more pleasantries as he jumps over people to reach those seated on the other side of the table.People have already warmed up their seats and refuse to leave their vantage points.He finds a seat on the other side of the table and proceeds to pull a bunch of papers including his fat CV and starts going through them with furious concentration,as if preparing for crucial exam.From the unnaturally black edges of his scalp,you could easily tell he recently dyed his hair.Dude you should have cut off that beard completely because those grey hairs are not helping in your mission to look young.I mentally chastise that short old man.

There is this chick in purple top,high waist skirt and kitten heels definately knows how to  dress in an understated yet alluring sort of way.Not a hair out of place.I had to stop and stare to make sure there really wasn’t a hair out of place-subtle make-up and clean acrylic nails.The fastened buttons of her button down skirt stop slighty above her bossom,giving me an ever so slight peep as she heaves in subtle anticipation.She was a snob though.Earlier on,when i tried to greet her and introduce myself,she had politely answered,but had deliberately refused to give me her name,walking off instead and sitting at the other end of the table where she pretends to read a book.No one can conveince me they can concentrate on a book while they wait for a life-altering experiance so she has to be pretending.The only ‘defect’ the purple chick had was the fact that she had a protruding stomach,a clear sign that she had engaged in unprotected sex in the recent past.Maybe that’s the reason why she is a snob.

Then there is this breast -feeding chick.Not that she has come with an infant to the job interview ,but the tight knob around her chest attracts even more attention to the already lifted boobs,thanks to an obviously effective push-up bra.She keeps checking herself in her purse mirror and adding layers of grease on her lips.She might be bored,like all of us in the waiting room but she definately intends to rely on her ‘bosom buddies’ to nail the job.Those boobs better do a good job today or i would hate to think what she will do to them if they fail.I  think to myself.

The short old man was the first to be interviewed by a panel that had big gender imbalance,nine men and a lady.I don’t know what transpired inside but the old man’s interview lasted for only 5 minutes.Judging from his facial expression and body language,the panel had either failed him or he failed himself.I smiled inside my heart!The old man’s vast experiance in the job field and an overweight bunch of academic documents,was my biggest scare.There is no way i could have beaten that old man in a free and fair interview.I pitied his wasted docterate degree.To make it worse,he was being interviewed by twaddlers who seemed to have only at certificate level.I  later learn’t the man was denied the job.Reason? “You are over-qualified for this job”.In real sence,he was  a threat to them.He accepted results and moved on.

The pregnant lady(lady in purple) was next.Before she entered to face the panel,she spat out few saliva droplets,sideways ofcourse,to avoid spitting on her swollen belly that outwardly appeared as if it was carrying triplets thanks to the freekick taker.The saliva seemed to ease her biologically swollen stomach from much butterflies inside.It reduced tension.”How are you lady?”Mr Jack Okusi,the panel leader started.Before she could answer the lady panelist interjected with “Congratulations!” after looking at the lady’s swollen belly.Serious business began with a question from one of the male panelist.”Young lady,what do you understand by the term company image?”.The young pregnant thought for a second,cleared the throat and answered “It is the overall image of a corporation or firm or business in the minds of diverse publics,such as customers,investors and employees”.”well answered lady” the question asker agreed with her nodding his head .”Suppose we give you this job young lady,do you think you will be of benefit to the company’s image as an employee of this company?” continued the asker looking at her swollen belly.The lady looked at her belly and answered “I believe i do”.
Mr Jack cleared his throat ,raised his furrows  and said “Young lady,i know you are aware we are looking for a person who will market and promote the image of our company.Looking at your condition,you wont really market us especially now that you are about to go for maternity leave.Looking at your CV you qualify yes but you won’t help us now.Please try again next year,am sorry.”She accepted results and moved on.

The lady with the big boobs was next.If i had only seen her boobs and lips before,then the cinema was just but starting.Her wardrobe was on point.Her smile could win global dental awards.Her black and natural silky hair was just stunning and long enough to ashame those ladies that spend every dime to import Brazilian hair.The chest once again was well balanced with two ripe mounds that heaved and danced with her walking style.The hips were well formed and enchanting that i decided to turn and look at her rear guard as she passed.I had never seen such a big apparatus before.”Hii walai ni china made!” I said to myself as she passed.She was flaunting her fundamentals that were so mountaneous to make me wonder if the ass was implanted on her or God given.If it is God given,then God is quite unfair to some girls like my Ex, Naliaka.Not that i hate her for leaving me but she had nothing,just flat plain,no Vera Sidika.Did God have to be so cruel or forgetful to put a flatscreen on her back?Such an anticlimax on such a beutiful face she had.Maybe God din’t get enough rib and clay to  finish her or most likely God concentrated on her cute face alone.Back to this bootiful lady.As she walked her behind moved as if she was twerking-vibrating seducingly in all directions.How i wished she had considered being a socialite instead of rivaling us in  petty interviews.From the look of things,apart from her academic documents,she had other ‘supporting documents’,extra-curriculum documents.If i we both had  birth certificates only she had an extra butt certificate.If we both had book certificates ,she had an extra boob certificate.”Goodmorning Jane Macharia?Mr Jack started joyfully.Apart from the lady panelist,all other panelist became charmed by this enticing lady,Jane.Her figure alone left them flabbergasted as she she took her chair infront of the panel before unleashing her spectacular cleavage.The male panelists seemed unsettled that they forgot to interview.Their minds were thinking beyond her cleavage.Surely the devil was working.The same devil i was praying to get defeated considering the fact that she was my rival.”Are you a miss or a mrs young lady?” asked the lady panelist who was the only one who could start the interview since the males fumbled for words.”Am a miss” she answered.All the males smiled before mr Jack found a question.”Miss Jane,you have the education,the will and the looks.We have no doubt you can promote our company’s image,but tell me ,if we give you this job,are you willing to work overtime when asked to?”Mr Jack finished.”Am here to work according to your will,but i work best under minimum supervision”.she answered as the male panelist looked at each other while nodding their unreasonable heads.The male panelist kept asking her irrelevant questions for almost two hours as i kept on waiting to be intervied until i forgot all that i had crammed from the profile pamplets.”Miss Jane ,hang around let us first finish interviewing others”. Finally the panel finished ‘interviewing’ her.From the look of things, she had nailed the job.She din’t accept results so she din’t move on.She went to ‘hang around’ in the waiting room.

It was my time.The moment i had been preparing for almost 4 months.I entered to face the panel that was still charmed by Delilah.“Good morning Gilbert Kaisha”.Asked the lady panelist”Fine,thank you” I answered before I got the first question from Mr Jacks.”Mr Kaisha,looking at your CV you are from Kakamega,is it true there are a lot of chicken in Kakamega?”.I took it as  a joke and answered politely.The next question from another male panelist killed my hopes.”Mr Kaisha, suppose we give you this job,then you later come to realise our organisation deals with bull fighting,can you still work for us?”What sort of questions are these idiots asking me?It became clear my interview was just but a formality.The company had already gotten the ‘image of the company”.They tortured me for next ten minutes with Kakamega questions before they told me what i  already expected “we shall call you”.The four words i have heard for the last ten years in different interviews.I returned my unused masters and undergraduate certificate in my briefcase then left.On my way outside,Jane was making her way inside.”Congratulations!I said to her”.
I quickly turned  to my Tecno R7 phone logged into my twitter handle @obagah and updated “Had i known boobs and butts played a big role in getting a job ,i would have been born a woman #WinningNot #MyDressMyChoice #ChickenScandal #NudityIsNotMyChoice”
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Am from the interview and am now in town  returning to my bed-sitter,busy minding my own business (although i don’t own any legitimate business),looking at everything that is worth looking at especially at Indian ladies that walk in a manner likely to suggest that they are looking for a serious Bukusu man like me.You never know!maybe through them i can get a job one day!Sobs!